The above, from Robert Frost, is a comment a friend wrote on my status update on Facebook that read: Paths I didn't take haunt me every now and again.
Sometimes I think that the worst decision I ever could have made was to get married and move away. Then, to have children, and move even farther away.
Let me be clear, it has absolutely nothing to do with WHO I married. I love Alex and for many reasons I am happy to support his career (in turn, I certanly reap a lot of rewards, like the ability to have, raise and support a family in a home of my own).
I also love my children. I don't think I read an honest account of motherhood until I became a mother--or, if I did, it didn't impact me enough to register--and while it's not the easiest way I could spend my time, the moments of transendence are worth the price of admission.
We've been here over four years now. The bulk of my time as a wife and mother. I still wish we lived closer to family. Though I have made friends during my time here, and though we are fully ensconced in suburban Baltimore life, and though we continue to find new, unique and interesting places to explore in the area, I regret moving away.
I know that had we stayed nearer to family we wouldn't be able to call on them ALL the time, but I also think we'd be able to do it SOMEtimes. As a result, Alex wouldn't be using up all his vacation time on staying home when both the kids need something in different places at the same time. When there is an IEP meeting AND a spring concert (as was the case this morning). I have started asking for more help from friends, but it's not my way, generally speaking. Though there are a few people who have been happy to help us, I never feel totally comfortable about it. And, we've paid for it also...which. Adds up. None of it is exactly reliable.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately (again). I always seem to fall in this rut when I start thinking about school for Georgia. About how, were we not so isolated down here, perhaps she wouldn't be so socially...delayed.
It seems kids with older siblings and/or lots of family around are all doing much better than Georgia in that arena. Sometimes I feel like we've failed our kids (Rainer is rather socially awkward and anxious as well) by being the sorts who are prone to few friends and social functions. Either by nature--Alex is usually pretty content to stay home and do his own thing--or by virtue of the fact that we are still new here. Even four years later.
Maybe if we were different people. Or if we lived near other people. Our kids wouldn't be so....
...or they would be exactly the same. After all, they are apples and we are their trees.
I am feeling a little sad that Georgia is having such a hard time socially. And it makes me feel angsty.
