It blindsides me. Everything is chugging along, fairly copacetic, and the next thing I know I am standing in front of my house, trying to pry my daughter's fingers out of my hair and thinking about how I'm going to look with a bald spot on the top of my head if I can't get her to let go.
G does not like waiting. She does not like change. She definitely doesn't like the unknown.
This morning she and R were supposed to ride the bus together for the first (and possibly only??) time to camp. The camp is our county's "inclusive" ESY (extended school year) program which G qualifies for because of her IEP, and which R gets to attend as a typical peer. They were both looking forward to it--perhaps Rainer a bit more than G--and I expected the bus to be late on the first day. I did not, however, expect that 30 minutes later we'd still be waiting, with school buses driving past our street four times.
Georgia was doing okay waiting at first, but then it started to get harder. Then she wanted to run off down the street, and when I wouldn't let her she was just plain mad. Anyway, the details are best left forgotten, really. Suffice it to say, somehow I ended up with my glasses thrown on the ground holding my 52lbs daughter with her tearing at my hair. Of course the neighbors were all out, getting ready for work and whatnot, and of course, when I finally got free of her, she pulled down my shirt and exposed me to all of them. Me, through gritted teeth, trying to stay calm.
It's hard not to have a whole slew of cuss words tumble out of my mouth at moments like that. It's hard to not feel embarrassed and angry. Let's face it, I felt all those things. I felt all those things and more. Frustrated, hurt, sad, annoyed. (And, the truth is, maybe a swear slipped out when I finally got back in the house.)
It's just so surprising. Even still. Even though it has happened to me, or near me, so many times.
The last two weeks have gone really well. I'd been dreading them, but they were fine. So to have her lash out at me. It was surprising. And the thing is, I can't stay mad at her. She can't really control herself. Yet. Yet?
But I am mad at the situation. I am mad that it's this way. I am mad that this limits her, and us, so much. I am sad that life can be so very hard for her to navigate.
And they never did get to ride the bus. I called and they couldn't answer me as to whether or not they were coming. G was too far gone, too upset by that point to expect it to go well, anyway. Rainer was disappointed. The whole thing felt like a huge letdown. And while I am not angry at Georgia, I can't shake this angry feeling, an hour and fifteen minutes later. I know I have to, I know it's not worth it, I know I will. But dammit.
Edit to add: All reports point to an exellent day for both kids. Got a call from the aide and she said on the Georgia scale, if the whole summer is like today, they will have a great time. She likes to compare Georgia to the weather. "Georgia is never going to just go along with things immediately," she said, "But if there had been a tornado warning today, it would not have even registered as a strong wind."
I'll take it!
And both of them finally got to ride the bus. It was 30 minutes late getting home, but they both got off the bus with huge smiles and hugs. Rainer said he had a great day, and said, "Phew! I'm tired!" And they're both looking forward to going back tomorrow. Yay!