Sit back, Relax, and...Feel Guilty?

Georgia woke up twice overnight. She hasn't done that in awhile. She woke up talking loudly and saying things like "Ah-ah-Apple." If that's not school anxiety, I don't know what is!

This morning she woke up kind of late--for her. 7:15. I am certain it will take a little toll on her this new extended school day, but I am not particularly concerned. She needs it. I am also becoming aware of what a change it will be for me, too, though. It dawned on me this morning that with Georgia either gone, or recovering from her day (we've noticed G needs a lot of "interior" time after school and/or other events outside the house), I won't get a lot of time with her. It's funny how one can both recognize they need a break from someone and also miss them the moment they've gone.

I want to talk a little bit about that need for a break. I can already hear the voices of my therapist, my closest friends, some commenters, telling me that I needn't feel guilty, that I shouldn't feel guilty, that I need to put on my own oxygen mask, and intellectually, I agree. I am trying to be okay with just admitting that I need a break and that that's okay, but I also can't help but feel like I've sort of thrown my little miss under the bus here on this blog.

Just writing about how I need a break from her without talking about some of the reasons why could be easily misunderstood. Granted, I don't necessarily need to explain myself to anyone, but I'm writing in a public arena and I don't think it's fair if I don't. 

First, I think every parent needs a break from their children now and again. I think it's healthy. Alex and I aren't really good at factoring that into our schedules (or our budgets). But what I am going to write about here is about a little more than that.

I feel self-conscious saying it out loud. I worry about the commentary it could raise when the parent of a child with special needs says anything that can be construed as complaint. About what children are worthy and public assistance and Bob knows what else. I wouldn't want my children--either of them--to think that I have disliked parenting. Or that I loved either one of them more or less than the other. Or that I have regrets. Generally, I don't have regrets. 

I do, however, find parenting incredibly hard. And here's the sentence that is especially hard for me to write--it makes me feel incredibly guilty, but I just have to get it out.

Parenting my daughter has been especially difficult for me.

Granted, both of my kids have caused me stress or consternation at various points, but for this conversation, I am talking about my daugter.

I think the "for me" at the end of that sentence is especially important.

Parenting my daughter has been especially difficult for me.

You see, I think parenting my daughter could pose some amount of stress for lots of people, but, for instance, my husband doesn't seem to have the same experience as me. Of course, he is not the person who spends the majority of time with the kids, he gets "breaks" five days a week when he can go to a job that he loves. He doesn't handle the education stuff. He shows up and plays a vital role in decision making, but the coordination and research and outreach is done almost 100% by me. He will read an article, edit an email, give me his opinion when I ask, but the majority of the legwork is MY work.

I actually appreciate this. It can be a heavy burden, but I am thankful that he trusts me. And, I fully believe that if he didn't think I was making the right, or rather, best decision(s) in the moment, he would tell me.

I am also the parent who thinks about and implements our discipline plans, our social lives, our community life, our church life, our groceries and house repairs...and I could go on, but let's just suffice it to say I am our House, Home, & Family coordinator. He lugs the wood, but I generally say "Hey, we need to make a fire and it needs to go there."

He doesn't add as much input, but the input he adds is INVALUABLE. I may get us to an IEP meeting, I may set the tone and much of the agenda, I will be the one who knows all the acronyms and the end-goal, and all the people's names both around the table, in the school, and from the county special ed office, but I ALWAYS, ALWAYS turn to Alex when they ask if there is more to discuss or any questions. 

Alex has an amazing way of deciphering things down to the smallest element. He has an extraordinary way of seeing the big picture and asking the right questions. Or responding to crisis. We are both smart, hard workers, but where we excel is different. I think we complement one another.

All that to say, we handle life differently. We have different obligations, jobs, and roles, and we look at all this very differently. We may have the same destination, but we get there in very different ways. 

But I am digressing a good fair bit...

Georgia, my dear reader, has always been a bit of a puzzle for me. Now, I think my husband finds her every bit as puzzling as I do at times, but how he handles that seems very different from how I handle it.

Georgia, from the time she was a newborn baby has perplexed me. I have never felt good enough for her, I have never felt like I was able to do anything right by her. From those first days in the NICU when I couldn't get her to latch on to breastfeed, to three months later when I couldn't thread her NG tube correctly down her nose, or hold her in the right position that she would take a bottle, I have felt like a faulty mother.

She was a calm baby. She didn't have many demands. She was independent. As a result, she didn't often seek out my affection. And while I certainly lavished as much as I could on her, there was the very distinct sense from early on that she could sort of take me or leave me. 

In retrospect, I think this was the autism, but as it was happening, I didn't see it through that lens and I think it impacted our relationship. If there is blame to place, this is entirely my fault.

I have always, ALWAYS, loved her fiercely. And though she didn't seek out my affection all the time, I have many wonderful memories of snuggling with her in my bed in Connecticut, and later Vermont, while Alex was away at school or work. I would play with her for hours on the floor of her yellow bedroom over the general store. I would rock her in my arms in the chair in there and sing her songs like "Three Little Birds," and "It's a Big World, Baby" by Renee & Jeremy. Back then when every single thing I sang felt like it had new and significant meaning because of her very presence.

It's stunning for me to look back on those early years and remember how truly easy they were. How truly easy Georgia was. I remember thinking, even despite all her health issues early on, that my friends with first borns must have been playing it up. I thought it was INCREDIBLY easy.

But then, my daughter, because of her heart, was sleeping through the night at one day old. She slept much of the day until after her heart surgery at almost 6 months, and while I wouldn't wish having to wake your child up with a wet washcloth and awkward positioning to feed her (lest she die of starvation) on ANYone, in terms of general parenting, it seemed a lot easier than I'd been expecting. I didn't have any perspective, of course, and in that way, I think I lucked out that my first born--rather than a later baby--was the one who had Down syndrome. I had virtually zero expectations.

Also, there's love and keeping the baby warm, fed, and alive in those early years, but true parenting...the gristle of it, doesn't seem to REALLY begin until the child is a little older.

It really wasn't until G turned three that life started getting difficult. That's when Georgia's anxiety struck with a vengenace. In truth, it's kind of appropriate that it struck then, developmentally speaking, but it was intense. And that was when this mothering thing started to feel a little less fun and easy.

Without getting into all the details, let me break it down into this brief synopsis. 

Georgia's anxiety came on fast, and strong, and in order to keep her comfortable, and in order to avoid unpleasant scenes, and because I also had her young baby brother to take care of at the same time, our life got very, very small. We started staying home, not going almost anywhere. We couldn't even go to the grocery store lest G get really upset. It all seemed futile. I'd just rearrange our lives, make everyone happy. Happy was the goal. Calm! Calm was the goal.

Three years later and I bet the number of times she has been to the grocery store with just me is under forty since she turned three years old. Considering I am a stay at home mom, that seems significant.

Of course I still WENT to the grocery store, but I planned it so that I could either go alone in the late afternoon or evening, or with just Rainer when Georgia was in school.

I began setting up our entire lives to accommodate Georgia and her various needs.

I am here to tell you that I don't necessarily think this was/is the right way to handle things, but it was/is the way I did handle them and to an extent I still handle them. We slowly clawed our way out of the extreme isolation in which we were living, and since last year with the help of an anxiety medication, and lots of perseverence (as well as, I think, Georgia's continuing to develop) we have made great strides. I know I need to expose Georgia to new experiences to help her overcome her fears, but at the same time these trips (even today) are sometimes so utterly traumatic for everyone, I'd be lying to say I don't still avoid them at times. We make brief forays and we have absolutely expanded on what we can do, but there are some situations that are still difficult to traverse. And it's just plain easier to go grocery shopping without her.

Anyhow...this is getting really long. This is the long-winded version (and still, only partly) why I feel relief in sending Georgia to school.

I would like to talk more about Georgia's autism and how it manifests in her, but I think I need a break from writing about this right now.

Georgia is in school all day and, yes, it feels like a relief. I also miss her greatly and feel guilty that it is such a relief. Human beings are dichotomous. I am choosing to forgive myself for feeling both ways. Acknowledging it and moving on.

Comments

[Elizabeth]

Ok, so I know I can't know EXACTLY how it is to parent Georgia because you're her mama and i am not, obviously, but SO MUCH of what you wrote here is so familiar to me, and I don't want to just leave you a comment telling you to give yourself a break because I don't want to diminish how hard a job you have and I don't want to just sweep this under the rug, but some of this is...just not your fault, at all. I mean, I don't think ANY of this is your fault, actually, that came out wrong.
But some of this is just that being a mom all day is really really hard. Some of this is just that being a mom of two is really really hard. Some of this is just that it's a hard age. I was just talking about today about how bad Eli got when he turned 3 and how it really hasn't let up until just now, at 6. How until just now I didn't want to take him anywhere, not to the grocery store or out to dinner or anywhere. How a lot of the time, despite the fact that I loved him more than anyone else on earth, I really didn't like him very much, because it was just SO HARD to parent him. Parenting him was like being at war, where I felt like I was losing ALL the battles, and it just SUCKED.
Which is just to say that I think it's just really really hard, and you're doing the best job you can, and I am not trying to diminish anything about you or G or your journey but just to say yep, it's nothing bad about you or bad about G or bad about ME, but sometimes kids are rotten and difficult and you don't want to take them to the grocery store and that's ok and it's not you. It's not that you are a bad parent for G, it's that kids this age are just insanely hard to deal with.
It will get better. It really really well, and you are doing a great job and I always find your parenting so inspiring. Hang in there, sister.
And now I am worried that this novel I have written is going to come across the wrong way. I think the best way I can think of to say it maybe is to tell you as I was reading your post that I was thinking "Oh no! That's not her being a bad parent! That's because this is a terrible age and GOD IT IS TERRIBLE but it gets better."

[cate]

A) I have a much lower tolerance for any kind of outing, or really kid behavior in general, than my husband does. B) I don't think any of us are really meant to do the intensive SAH thing that many of us end up with, here and now, in this country. It's kind of what we end up with but it's not the healthiest, for moms or for kids. I think. Which is to say, my kids went to preschool as soon as they were old enough, and full day school as soon as they were old enough, and it's been fine for all of us. I miss them but...they need to have their own lives, in kid-world. You know? C) I will always always always choose grocery alone over w/ kids. Go to ridiculous lengths to avoid. Including Peapod.

[Tricia]

Elizabeth, Oh my gosh, that is SO funny. I just hit save on a post that I am going to publish tomorrow morning that I feel like may look a response to this comment, but it's not...it's just more of me...well...basically complaining--lamenting? fretting over? trying to rationalize?--about why it feels so good to have a break in a way...and also talking more about this journey. Essentially a HUGE word/brain/emotion crap storm.

Gosh, I feel like a jerk in a way because it's true. EVERYONE needs a break. And parenting IS totally hard. For everyone. I am not unique. I know that. Except sheesh, sometimes I feel like I am exceptionally poor at it!

It really helps to know I am not alone, though. And also, that some of it just comes with the territory of parenting.

Sometimes I really lose sight of that!!!

And Cate--can I have a little you in my shoulder? I voice of reason???

[Karly]

Agree with all of what Cate commented above. My kids are okay at the grocery store with just me at this point, but I still avoid it. Way more trouble than it's worth. I don't even understand the concept of people "stopping by" the store a few times a week. Once and I am done. PB&J for all, if necessary. Only kinda kidding! Plus, I know our kids are pretty similarly spaced and those younger years were tough without the added anxiety/Autism angles. You've done great from where I stand and for whatever that's worth. Parenting can be hard even on the good days.

[Tricia]

Thanks, Karly! It means a lot to know I am mostly/usually the only one beating myself up! :) 

[RK]

I'm in the kid-free shopping club too. Braska may be at a grocery store once every 6 weeks... Maybe. Kinlee is now at a helpful stage, can read and check off the list on the phone app (wow, who are we these days??), she enjoys going usually and is a fun shopping buddy. But even still, I prefer to go alone. In and out. Quick as possible..

As for the rest of your thoughts, as usual, you are spot on. It was so easy in the beginning. Even with all the Dr appts and surgery, seems odd but true. I've said many times that B was way easier in the first 4 years than K was. But just recently, it's changed. Sometimes. K has become the easy one on most days. I think it's just this season, but it is weird to have B fill the tougher position. Who knows what tomorrow will look like...

I wish you great moments of calm, coffee with good books, and time to write more for us. :)

[Tricia]

Thanks, RK. I wish the same for you. You certainly seem busy from what I've read!!! Try to get a little time for yourself, too! :)