All her bags are packed, she's ready to go, the lunch box is waiting beside the door, I hate to wake her up to say good--
(That's the sound of a record being stopped suddenly. Go ahead. Click it.)
Well, to be perfectly honest, I kind of can't wait to wake her up to say good-bye. I know, I know. I get the sense I'm not supposed to say that as her mom and all, but frankly, I. Am. Ready.
Georgia is going to Kindergarten tomorrow. ALL. DAY.
I started thinking about Georgia going to all-day Kindergarten two years ago. I thought she would go this fall. She didn't.
This past fall, though I had about four hours a week of alone time when both kids were in school and I was not traveling between them, was not easy. Driving between three schools for the two kids with varying pick up and drop off times, two days when the kids both had to be dropped off and picked up across town from one another at the same time, two days when Georgia--my pickiest of eaters--had to eat lunch in the car before I dropped her at her afternoon program, and all the while schlepping both kids in and out of their carseats multiple times a day in all kinds of weather...
Well. It was not fun.
Granted, it kept me busy, which strangely kept me...not depressed, for the most part, but it took a toll on me. Most days I didn't get a chance to grab breakfast until almost 11. I spent a small fortune on drive-thru coffee, and in the long run I am grateful for the way we did it. The experience helped answer some questions for us and bought us some time so that we could make our ultimate decision to alter--for the time-being--the course of Georgia's education on our own time-table, only when we felt like it was our--and the right--decision, which we came to after seeing multiple real-life options played out in real time.
Georgia got to have an enjoyable--turns out, in the grand scheme of things TOO enjoyable--time in the speech program she attended in the mornings and we definitely have seen her language progress, and it gave us the time and the lens through which we figured out the best option for her going forward. (I hope.)
My eyes have been opened this year. There was a small price to pay, but it was worth it.
I think I was living in a haze of optimism before that was ultimately detrimental. Is that possible? I'll tell you what...I think it kind of is. There's hope and then there's reality and I kind of think you have to let them intermingle a little more gracefully than I think we've been.
Anyhow, for the last several months G's only been going to the one school for 2.5 hours a day in the afternoons. And...let's just leave it at this: we're ready. As ready as we're ever going to be, anyway.
Granted, when she went up to bed tonight she had a stuffed up nose and sounded pretty gunky. She may wake up sick for her first day of school (after nearly two months--practically unheard of for her in the winter--of health).
Let's get one thing clear. I love the child. I do. But we need a break from one another. I am exhausted and she is bored. I wish I could say I am the one who can change that all around, but right now I am not.
In the last 18 months I have come to understand why respite is so important. We don't have the opportunity for much respite. Virtually none. I'd like to spend some time talking about it in more detail perhaps soon, but my relationship with Georgia these last 18 months has been taxed greatly by all the time we spend together. Again, I feel like I am not supposed to say that aloud, but it's true. I think, more recently, in the last 3-4 months, I am beginning to understand it (our relationship), and her, and even my actions and reactions better. But I have not been a natural at acting and reacting the "right" way all the time. I am still awaiting that outpouring of patience I am supposed to have because I am the mother of a child with special needs.
I think that whole thing is a hoax.
I kid, of course. I never expected to be able to go out an pluck patience off some nearby tree like leaves, but I did kind of hope I'd grow into it with a little more ease.
I really want (need) the remainder of this year to go well. (Well-er?) I feel like life shouldn't feel like such the struggle it's been feeling like these last six months. I'm not even going to try to sugarcoat that.
So I snapped up all her school supplies this weekend--for the second time and third school this year--and I updated her All About Me book and emailed it off to her teacher. I've got a pantry full of snacks and lunch items to send her to school with in the morning.
I think she's ready. I know I am.
So kiss me and smile for me...tell me that she'll wait for me...already I'm so lonesome I could cry...