Laying it on the Line

Lest you think I am a big liar-liar pants on fire and don't have intentions of writing here more, I am here to let you know. I plan on it. But. I'll just tell it like it is. I feel like crap.

You know what? I totally edited myself there. I don't feel like crap. I feel like shit. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!

Yesterday I started to think I was on the mend. I was feeling about 90%. Today? Dog poop. I even went ot the doctor, but all they could tell me was the flu takes time. (I honestly thought--and remain unconvinced that I don't have despite the quick test--that I had strep today.)

So, there ya' have it. But I won't bore you with it anymore than I already have.

In other news, someone was held up by gunpoint in our alleyway last week and I am feeling more than skittish about it. I park back there!!!!

It's making me really angry. It's making me want to move.

Am I just depressed and filled with a peckish ennui due to illness, or does it seem like the whole world is going crazy? And desperate? And, I just feel baaaaaaaaad.

I was telling Alex today that I feel like we have chosen a very tough life. Or, not that we chose it...we try really hard to make things good, but it just feels like survival around here a lot lately. Beyond just the last few weeks of illness.

I am filled with this dis-ease and malcontentment.

I am trying with all my might to figure that out and figure out how to get rid of that feeling.

I didn't always feel like this. I feel truly trapped. Stuck. My paw hurts.

And now, back to you.

Comments

[Alison]

I've been terrible about leaving comments, but your misery has inspired me. I don't think things are truly fucked-up--I don't think you're allowed to make judgments like that when you're sick. After you're well, then you can consider it.

And remember that if Alex gets sick, too, then it'll be time to call in your friends. They love you, and they will help.

[Jaida]

This is a tough, tough time of year and especially when you've been sick. I agree with Alison - re-visit your outlook when you're well (and truly well, which will take a bit of time after an illness like this).

I'm struggling more than usual with the winter blues/blahs this year, and I hear the same from a lot of friends. There's been a lot of discouraging news stories and things do seem a bit grim all around. Take heart though. It will be spring again soon and hopefully you'll feel a bit more sunshine in your soul.

A question, if you don't mind. Have you thought about finding a therapist to talk to that has experience/specializes in parenting a child with special needs? I ask because I wonder myself all the time if such a thing exists. I haven't had a lot of luck with therapy in the past but I feel frequently like I could use a sounding board that is ENTIRELY objective (impossible with a family member, or even friend I think). Again, I'm not suggesting you need such a thing but I'm curious if anyone has ever researched it.

[Jody]

You have an intact nuclear family! Mine is a mess! Husband up and left, kids are reeling and future is uncertain. I would trade your sickness for my family. Don't let it get that far is all I'm saying! Embrace the suck! Your blog is wonderful and I love hearing about your family. Keep on keepin on, this too shall pass!