Been Thinkin'

I've been thinking a lot about the terminating babies with DS thing, and my post the other day, and a comment Alex made to me last night regarding stand up comedy.

He said, "It stinks that now we are easily offended."

He was referring to stand up comedy. We've been watching a lot lately and sadly, I would have to say probably about 3 of every 5 comics invariably eventually says something pertaining to 'retards'. That's when I typically immediately stop liking that comic. They could have been hilarious up to the point they use that word (though some people come right out and say Down syndrome or autistic or any other number of actual diagnoses), but once that bridge is crossed I can't turn back. I feel sick. I feel embarrassed. I am relieved that it is only my husband and I watching and I am not surrounded by a group of people who know me, who know I have child who is clumped in with those people the comic is talking about, who don't turn to me and see how I will react, or worse stifle their own laughter (though I like to think I surround myself with people who ALSO wouldn't find that kind of humor humorous in the least).

I replied, "What stinks is that we were as offended before, but we weren't personally affected so we let it go more easily."

And that's true. It's not like I USED to think those kinds of jokes were funny. But I was more able to flick them off my shoulder.

Now. I can't.

I don't want to be a party pooper. I don't want to stand up on a high horse and be wet noodle. But the truth is I am. I am a wet noodle. I don't think it's funny. And that makes me vulnerable. And if there's anything I hate it's seeming weak. That's my weak spot. The thing I just can't shake. That I won't shake and don't WANT to shake. I just wish there was some kind of retaliation. Some WAY that I could "strike back". I swear, it's made me ponder a career in stand-up comedy just so I could write the kinds of jokes that somehow cut back at the people who make those kinds of jokes. You know, real meta-, a comic who makes fun of comics. But I'm not funny. Certainly not going to become a comic. It's got to be the career I would be worst at (besides dentistry). So instead I seethe in my living room. And it's becoming less and less likely that I will be heading to any comedy clubs unless I am really familiar with the comic and don't suspect totally tasteless humor.

I guess it bugs me because while I don't think I am particularly funny, I DO think I have good sense of humor. Also, I am not one for grudges and in general I let things slide off my back. I don't like holding onto things that make me feel bad. And really, it's not as if I sit around thinking about the jokes after they are done. But the fact that it makes me NOT want to go to comedy clubs (not like I have tickets or anything), that annoys me. It makes me feel censored. I don't like censoring myself.

I don't know if I am being clear and my mind is jumping all over the place.

I know someone (who shall remain nameless) who often makes jokes at the expense of other people. This person has since toned it down since Georgia was born, but I wouldn't doubt that when I am not around this person is probably making comments that wouldn't fly around me now. Strangely, typically, this person is USUALLY a decent person despite this admittedly major flaw. In the past I have just left the room, walked away, rolled my eyes or did some other such passive aggressive thing when the conversation turned ugly and here's why. When I HAVE commented on the unsavoriness of said comments I got it back in my face two- sometimes three-fold. There are some people who I believe are so insecure that a.) they make jokes at other's expenses and b.) they can't handle it when you call them on it, so they FREAK out and start getting defensive usually at the expense of who ever was the whistleblower. 

What am I trying to say here? I don't know. I guess that I wish I knew how to react. In such a way that is not totally red faced emotion. In a way that doesn't cause me to seem vulnerable.

I mean what do you do? Do you write letters to people in the media who tick you off? That's not likely to go anywhere. Do you start your own campaigns? But how? And what about the rest of your life?

It's so unbelievably frustrating.

And that's not to mention how many times I have come across comments on other sites (pregnancy boards are famous for this, youtube, and many sites where someone who doesn't know anything about DS asks other people who don't really know anything about DS an opinion) that are not only totally false, but downright IGNORANT. Downright UNEDUCATED. I mean, if I could have a nickel for the number of times I have read some comment from some person who said people with DS shouldn't be allowed to live (Lord, please don't direct those people to this site because of this sentence) or worse even I would be rich. That's how disgusting it is. (Though I do get some satisfaction in knowing that if I could get a nickel for those comments with gross spelling and grammar mistakes I would be doubly rich.)

And then you have the issues I posted about the other day. Terminating babies because they are not 'perfect'. I got a lot of feedback from people in regards to that. People commenting or emailing. I've been thinking about it a lot because when I wrote that, I had been thinking about NOT writing it. I was thinking "We all know this already. I am not saying anything new. I am certainly not saying it eloquently."

But the thing is. It doesn't matter if it's been said before. It's important. It should be said louder. It should be said more eloquently. It needs to be advertised (sick that it needs to be), but it needs to be advertised that people who have Down syndrome are human beings!

So many in our society treat them like they are not. They are seemingly more discriminated against than any other person or type of person (although even writing 'type pf person' makes me cringe because oughtn't a person be a person be a person???). If we said it's ok to abort solely in the case of race or sex or eye color we'd be considered monsters.

I know I have readers who are totally pro-life. I know I have readers who are solely pro-choice. And my intent is not to offend. My intent is also not to deny the fact that I, too, am pro-choice. At least I think I am. I always thought I was. I guess I am pro-choice with stipulations. Maybe that is too gray. I don't know. What I do know is that by denying the life of a child solely because that child has DS you are denying the lives of those people now living who have DS. You might as well say "You should've thrown that one away. Tried again for a better one."

Because it might be harder? Because it might affect their siblings?  Because your child might have health problems? Because your child might not look exactly like everyone else in his or her class and might need a little extra help learning a few different things?

Why are people so afraid of anything different or new? Why are people not excited by diversity? Why are people so afraid?

Let me say this.

It was hard for my ex-boyfriend's mother to walk into his bedroom on Christmas Eve and find him dead with a needle still stuck in his arm.

It was really difficult for my brother-in-law's mother who lost one son to Fanconi Anemia and nearly lost her daughter to the same disease. And you better believe it affected my brother-in-law when not only did his brother die, but his sister came close to dying and he, their older brother, donated his bone marrow to the two of them. Yeah, that affected him.

What about my cousin who needed special help in her classes to learn how to read? Or me--I couldn't do math to save my life and you sure as hell better believe I needed a tutor.

And the first boy I ever kissed, who was a star athlete until he fell out of a moving vehicle and sustained brain injuries at 18 and had to re-learn not only how to read and write, but also walk and talk.

Do you stop loving those children because they make it harder? Because they are not like everyone else?

If only there could be a big giant hammer that would knock some sense into people. This IS common sense we are talking about, is it not? Or maybe common decency?

Maybe though, as a people, we are not commonly sensical or decent.

And that is sad. It's so very sad.

So there it is. My red face. That's me being vulnerable. Passive aggressively spouting on my blog. For the whole world to see. If only they would see.

Comments

[Melissa]

Perfectly written! I wish that I could say things as well as you do.

[RK]

I've noticed the same thing about stand-up lately. We watch alot of it too, and I find myself not laughing as much. For me it's not as much being clearly offended as my mind just not knowing what to do with what I'm hearing... do I get upset? do I just let it go? do I laugh just because it's supposed to be funny? That doesn't seem right. So I generally just change the channel or something. Doesn't solve much, but I just move on to thinking of something else. It does not see like the right answer, but that's all I can come up with for the time being.

[Shannon **Gabi's Mom**]

The real comics are the ones who can makes us laugh without the expense of others!

[Anne]

Thank you for writing this. I have shared these same thoughts with you, too. The ones about comics, the ones about the media, about the comments of friends, about liberalism becoming the new conservatisim, about the value of life. I certainly do not want to deny anyone the power of choice, but I do want people to make informed decisions, you know?

You asked what other people do. Generally I try to turn the other cheek... I've decided that I can't go through life picking at every little off-color comment. I try to steer away from situations I know will be hurtful. Sometimes I think that's chicken of me, but then I tell myself that it's more like an act of self-preservation. Not that I avoid uncomfortable situations, but you know what I mean.

But if something is said that really, really bothers me, I say something, or write a letter, or send an e-mail. And that usually makes me feel a little better because I channeled my emotions in a positive way.

[Jessica]

Very well written! It's almost gotten to the point for me that I can't watch stand up comedy anymore.

[Elizabeth]

Tricia - I hope you don't mind...this post really got to me. I linked to you and blogged about it over on my site rather than hijack your comments. Anyway. Thanks.
Thinking about this always hurts more than I think it would and it was good to talk about it, I think.